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It is Done..

Yesterday was the procedure.  It went as well as it could have gone.  I got there at the clinic and had to pick up my pain killers and other meds that made me drowsy/relaxed.  Walking into the clinic, I already felt in a daze.  I honestly couldn't believe this was happening...

I got called back into one of the rooms to pee in a cup to make sure I wasn't pregnant.  It's funny how you take those things for granted.  It would be the last time I'd pee in a cup to see if a pregnancy test came back positive.  Peeing in a cup, who would of thought that would make me a little sad...

After the medication kicked in...I felt tired and kind of drunk...I went back to the room where it all took place.  The procedure took a whole 5 minutes.  You had the choice to see them do the procedure on the TV that was provided.  I watched, why not.  It was the last time I would see my Fallopian tubes.

After the procedure was done, everyone left the room.  I bawled.  It was over, there was no go going back whatsoever now.  After picking myself up and the crying stopped I went home.  The physical pain was very minimal to me.  Cramping that I wasn't use to, but the main things was the drowsy medication they gave you.  That didn't wear off for me for about 6hours.

So how do I feel today?

Still in a daze.  I'm kind of in denial that this procedure happened...I am still bummed it happened.  I don't think it affects men the same way it does woman.  We carried them for 9months.  Yeah, we complained about being pregnant, were miserable for the majority of the time, and couldn't wait to not be pregnant, it still is sad.  I may never be able to explain it in words how I feel.  Sad is how I feel right now.

I almost feel guilty for being sad, but I have these 4 beautiful, healthy monsters.  Maybe that's it....They're the best, why wouldn't I want more of them?

it's the end of one chapter and the beginning of another one. Sad to see the chapter end but the curiosity of the new chapter makes it worth it ...


In time is will get better...pathetic I'm mourning my infertility, but hindsight is 20/20

Essure? No, not really....

Tomorrow is the day and to be blunt it's a really sad day...

Not to mention this procedure is still pretty new and I've head "not-so-good-things" about it.  So yes, I'm extremely nervous.  But the fact of the matter that I will no longer be able to have children, really sticks in my head and makes me really sad.  It is bittersweet...  This is suppose to be done if you're 110% sure you are done.

I know I'm done, I have 4 healthy, beautiful monsters.  I love them with my whole heart and then so much more!  I don't know why I'm so hesitant about this.  I'm 27yrs old, had my first when I was 3 days shy of age 20.  Not exactly the ideal situation, but it all worked out.

Part of my thinks of it as defeat?
Defeat that:
1.)  I can't handle more kids.  My stress level some days is through the roof dealing with whining and fighting day in and day out.
2.)  The economy has gotten the best of us.  Yes we are debt-free but are also struggling to stay that way and can't afford another one.
3.)  That I am only 27 and already not able to have more kids.

Brian thinks we have a zoo and some days it is, but only 4 kids, that's not that much in all reality to me.  Reality - that's what we live in.  When is the "ideal" time to stop.  Maybe all these reason are the signs it's time to stop.

I know I'm done.  I'm not a pleasant pregnant person to be around.  We can't afford it.  We have 4 healthy, beautiful monsters.  In reality, we're done.  But I had always had that "maybe someday".  Now that "someday"  kind of disappeared and I just have to be okay with that.  Reality is where I need to be.  It seriously is just a hard thing to wrap your head around.  Forever is a long time....If I didn't stop, maybe we'd be like The Duggars! ;o)

Some day I'll have 4 best friends.

God has truly blessed me...

Winner!!

Happy Birthday, Punkie!!

To my Dearest Madison,

You have shaped me into the person I am today.  You had seriously saved me from a downward spiral I was going at 19 years old.  I honestly don't know where I would be if you weren't born.  You are the best big sister and everyone in your life Loves you SO MUCH!

You are always going to be my Baby!!